That. Is. It. I’m out.
In April 2016, I had been sitting, pondering about officially launching this blog for months. A contact of mine encouraged me to just do it… “dude, press go, what have you got to lose?” The truth was I had very very little to lose. I had been holding off going public with reams of diary entries I had written over the preceding 6 months worrying about how it would affect the work I’d been doing. Thinking by some miracle my condition would pass. I didn’t want to look like a fraud (you know I might roll over one day and be restored back to the manufacturer’s settings??) but realistically I had been fooling myself thinking, at that point, that I could resume a “normal” working life. Whatever that was anymore. Dream on. My work had been suffering anyway. In fact, I had to completely rethink it.
A new normal was required.
Truth is, at that particular time, as I attempted to do a bit more of said ‘normal’ (by some misguided calculations I thought perhaps I had scope to do this) the adrenaline/blood pressure issues would rise up and chop those return to ‘normal’ aspirations off at the knees. I was so totally fed up with continually trying. I couldn’t even swim properly without my body showing signs of the shakes and I was getting chest pains just from watching the TV!
I was 18 months in with this crap and I’d had enough of trying to fit the ‘old me’ mould. I decided to stop trying to kid myself that I could do all this stuff and just stop. Keeping going wasn’t doing me any good at all. I decided to stop faking it.
My body had started tuning in to the ‘desert island’ life. However, the glimmers of normality that came with that seemed to perk me up so I would start doing a little bit more and then, whoa, dooooowwwn I would go again. I’m a clever girl but it took me simply ages to work out a balance which didn’t get totally stuffed around by circumstances in and out of my control.
I was beaten and ‘over it’.
I surrendered. I wanted off the merry go round.
I love seeing friends and networking, but I was finding it hard to stay connected and not go mental with isolation. I’m an excitable, motor mouth (now I know by design with this thing) but I had turned into the chick that had to leave the ‘party’ almost as soon as it started because my body would get so hyped up and literally hurt if I outstayed its welcome. And trying to engage ‘normally’ invariably ended up with a massive slap across the face in the form of a good old fatigue crash afterwards. Up. Down. Round and Round. Forwards. Backwards. Everyday. I was hopelessly worn out.
So what to do….well I thought, let’s just grab this thing by the horns, get the new me out there and take what comes. So this post was my introduction. Me, in all my glory. Baring my all. My new normal.
The slightly mad, knackered old horse that I felt. That I still feel. Albeit these days under slightly more control!
I’m no longer faking it and trying to pretend this thing doesn’t exist.
So here I am, I’m out!
And you know what. It felt so good. It still feels good. To stop pretending. To accept where I was. Where I still am.
I’m glad I took the chance.
With that chance came freedom.
Freedom to be me. A new me.
The rest of my story you see here 🙂
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