Fuck. It. Here goes.
I’ve been sitting, pondering about officially launching this blog for months. A contact of mine said “dude, press go, what have you got to lose?” The truth is very little. I’ve been holding off going public with reams of diary entries I have written over the last 6 months worrying about how this will affect the work I’ve been doing and thinking by some miracle my condition will pass. Maybe it still will. I didn’t want to look like a fraud (you know I might roll over one day and be restored back to the manufacturer’s settings??) but realistically I’ve been fooling myself thinking, at this point, that I can resume a “normal” working life. Whatever that is anymore. Dream on. My work has been suffering anyway. In fact I’m having to completely rethink it.
I think I can safely say after all this time a new normal is required.
Truth is though these last few weeks as I’ve attempted to do a bit more of said ‘normal’ (by some misguided calculations I thought perhaps I had scope to do this) the adrenaline/blood pressure issues have risen and chopped those return to ‘normal’ aspirations off at the knees. I am so totally fed up with continually trying. Today I couldn’t even swim properly without my body showing signs of the shakes and tonight I’ve got a dose of chest pains from watching a cooking show cook off ffs!!
I’m 18 months in with this crap and I’ve had enough of trying to fit the ‘old me’ mould. I have decided to stop trying to kid myself that I can do all this stuff and just stop. Keeping going doesn’t seem to be doing me any good at all. Stop faking it.
My body seems to like the “desert island” life these days. However, the glimmers of normality that come with that seem to perk me up so I start doing a little bit more and then, whoa, dooooowwwn we go again. I’m on repeat and I’m not learning!! I’m a clever girl but trying to work out a balance which just gets totally fucked around by circumstances in and out of my control has beaten me.
I surrender. I want off the merry go round please.
I love seeing friends and networking, but even trying to stay bloody connected and not go mental with isolation isn’t easy. I’m an excitable, motor mouth (now I know by design with this thing) but I’ve turned into the chick that has to leave the party almost as soon as it’s started these days because my body gets so hyped up and literally hurts if I outstay its welcome. And trying to engage ‘normally’ invariably ends up with a massive slap across the face in the form of a good old fatigue crash afterwards. Up. Down. Round and Round. Forwards. Backwards. Everyday. I’m just bloody worn out.
So what to do….well tonight I thought let’s just grab this thing by the horns, get the new me out there and take what comes. So here I am, in all my glory. I’m baring my all. The slightly mad, knackered old horse that I feel.
I’m no longer faking it and trying to pretend this doesn’t exist. I’m out!
I can’t talk much but I can type like a demon. I’ve backposted some things I’ve written over the last 6 months so you can get a feel for me. So please have a read and introduce yourselves – I am in desperate need of some new online friends. And who knows maybe there will be more people out there a bit like me? In any case, I’ll be very pleased to meet you!
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